Swirling Emotions.

Since revealing our big news last week, it has been an emotional whirlwind for us.  Although our family has had a number of weeks to think, talk, pray and process about our decision, many people were caught very off guard by this radical move.  As such, we've been experiencing the gamut of reactions, from affirming and supportive to shocked and saddened.  I really feel that it's a bit like hearing the eulogies at your own funeral - people are talking about how much we'll be missed and what impact we've had.  It's actually been mind-blowing to discover what an integral part of both the school and church communities we and our kids have been and how much we'll be missed.

In no particular order, these are the emotions I've been experiencing the past few days:
Guilt.  Anytime one of our kids realizes another event they won't be experiencing (aka State Fair for Josh next year), I feel unbelievable guilt.  I feel incredibly selfish, too:  are we pursuing this journey at the expense of others?  Are we letting people (our kids, our community) down by leaving?

Encouragement.  It's been incredibly affirming to hear so many people say, "Wow - you guys are going to do amazing things in Africa" and "I wish I was going to do something like that!"  This is especially meaningful since I feel so much like Jonah or Gideon these days...yes, I feel called, but I feel completely unfit and unprepared for the job.  At times, I feel like running away or asking God for 10,000 more signs.

Sadness.  Except for my continuing streak of unfulfilling jobs, we've built a really nice life here full of blessings.  We love our school and church, Tim has a great job, we have wonderful friends, a nice home with a beautiful garden, time to pursue hobbies.  It's safe and comfortable and enjoyable.  So why leave this for the unknown?

Excitement.  I've been obsessively reading a blog by a current HOPAC teacher and looking at the HOPAC web site, reading information, looking at pictures.  It's all so new and different.  What an adventure!  We have no idea the people we'll meet, the new foods we'll eat, the witness we'll bear, the vacations we'll take, the sights we'll see.  To draw from our sermon today:  I am preparing to be amazed by what God will do!

Fear.  I'll admit that I'm a bit of a control freak, and this is journey is about as uncontrollable as you can get.  I'm a very visual person, and I don't even know what to visualize!  We have no home in Tanzania as of yet and no official partnership or means of support.  I firmly believe that it is all going to work out in amazing ways, but yes, I'll admit that it would be really nice to have a blueprint for the next 2 years all laid out and wrapped up with a nice bow.  But life - even in less radical circumstances - just doesn't work like that.  I've been reading a book called Discovering God's Will by Jerry Sitser.  One of my favorite parts reads:  "Control is a myth.  It presupposes that the world is rational, predictable and controllable.  But the world is none of these things."  In that sense, I am glad for the loss of control - because the less I try to control, the greater surrender I give to Christ and HIS blueprint.  And I'd much rather have Him in control.

Please continue to pray for our family as we process these swirling emotions.  Pray for those who are really upset at our leaving.  Pray that God will raise up "replacements" for our family and that no hole be left behind.  And finally, join me in praying for a new and beautiful community in Tanzania, for peace in our decision, and that God will do amazing things over the next 2 years.