Letting Go.

In church this past Sunday, the organist played a meditation hymn and the words were in the bulletin:

Faith begins by letting go, giving up what had seemed sure, taking risks and pressing on, though the way feels less secure; pilgrimage both right and odd, trusting all our life to God.

These words are so appropriate for this journey in so many ways (including the "odd pilgrimage"!)

This experience has been a major lesson in faith for me, as it is teaching this control freak to let go.  Although I never actually had control over my own life or truly was secure in my own efforts, I certainly felt like I did at times.  This endeavor is beginning to remove this illusion of control.

Although there is no resolution on any of my Big Three worries (partnership with CRWM,  finding a place to rent in Tanzania, finding a renter here in NJ), there has been steady progress on worries one and two. 

I had absolutely no idea how to go about trying to find a place to live in Tanzania (since they are not exactly on Trulia), but this week the school emailed us seven possible choices.  Seven!!  God does provide!  We're in the process of getting more info on each, as there is a wide range of prices and amenities.  (one place comes with a pet monkey...do not reveal this to my children or the decision will be made for us!)  But I feel like we have options, which is a beautiful thing.

The CRWM partnership also moved along this week.  I believe they finally have all the documentation from us, and it's now in the hands of the powers that be.  I am hoping and praying for finalization early to mid next week...which would be awesome timing since one of Tim's students and teachers are tentatively organizing a fundraising car wash for us next Saturday (more details to come).

There was also movement on my next tier of worries:  the kids' passport applications are in the State Department system (after a worrying two week silence), we have a good lead on a car in Tanzania, I figured out how to do an international wire transfer and we are making significant progress on cleaning out our house.

All in all, a great week!

Green Mambas

Last week, we found out that HOPAC has 4 "houses" within its student body and faculty: Blue Sharks, Green Mambas, Yellow Cheetahs and Black Rhinos.  These were developed using the 4 colors of the Tanzanian flag and 4 common African animals.    Harry Potter fans will understand a bit of the House system:  students are placed into one of four houses and they can earn "points" for their house based on good behavior, inter-house sports competitions, etc., leading up to a house champion at the end of the school year.

Our family has been selected as part of the Green Mambas.

These were my reactions, in order:
1) Cool!  Houses!  Like Harry Potter!  That will be so fun!
2)  There are GREEN MAMBAS in Tanzania???  Uh-oh.  That doesn't sound good.
3)  Green Mamba sounds a lot like Slytherin...but at least the Sorting Hat didn't choose this based on our character.  It was random.
4)  I've got to buy some green shirts for me and the kids before leaving!  (for the days where the House colors are worn).  Luckily Tim has a vast selection of green wear.

Just a fun tidbit and a little picture of what we're getting ourselves into!  The kids could not be more thrilled at the House concept (they are huge Harry Potter fans), but, like me, were not enamored with the Slytherin-like house to which we've been assigned.

Still...Go MAMBAS!!

Discouragement/Encouragement

I've been feeling a bit discouraged this week.  There has been a lot going on outside the Tanzania prep that have been burdens on my heart, and unfortunately I haven't felt very encouraged on the Tanzania front either.

• Today I learned that the visa documents we sent on May 15 were never received by HOPAC, meaning that we've been sitting around an additional 8 days with nothing happening.  Because the worst-case visa processing scenario is 3 months, it was always going to be uncomfortably close for my liking.  Now my fearful self wonders if we'll be able to meet our desired departure date of August 15.
• We're no closer to finding housing in Tanzania.
• We're no closer to renting out our house in NJ.
• We still don't have a finalized partnership with World Missions.

Discouragement and fear are nothing new in our Christian walk.  The Bible speaks to these very natural human emotions many times.  My personal favorite is Joshua 1 - where Joshua and the children of Israel are encouraged numerous times by God himself before facing off for the land of Canaan.  Joshua 1:9 is very applicable to our current situation:

Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.

On paper, it's pretty simple:  we have been commanded and God will be with us.  I'm trying very hard to embrace this truth and to see the areas of encouragement in my life.  So although the big issues of this journey are still unsettled, I'm giving thanksgiving for the following things:

• I cleaned out a lot of our file cabinets, and was able to take advantage of a local town's free shredding day last Saturday to easily take care of all those confidential documents (which was very much appreciated, since our personal shredder is not working).
• Tim was able to connect with a current HOPAC parent and board gamer to see which of his beloved games he can confidently leave behind.  It's nice to know that there is a community of people awaiting us that share one of our favorite pastimes and will play our favorite games!
• I have had very encouraging conversations with people, hearing them affirm their excitement and that they will be praying for us.  We've also had people tell us that as soon as that CRWM partnership is official, they will be supporting us!

Please continue to pray:  for quick visa processing, for lodging here and there, and above all, that we may believe God's promises in Joshua 1:9.

Swirling Emotions.

Since revealing our big news last week, it has been an emotional whirlwind for us.  Although our family has had a number of weeks to think, talk, pray and process about our decision, many people were caught very off guard by this radical move.  As such, we've been experiencing the gamut of reactions, from affirming and supportive to shocked and saddened.  I really feel that it's a bit like hearing the eulogies at your own funeral - people are talking about how much we'll be missed and what impact we've had.  It's actually been mind-blowing to discover what an integral part of both the school and church communities we and our kids have been and how much we'll be missed.

In no particular order, these are the emotions I've been experiencing the past few days:
Guilt.  Anytime one of our kids realizes another event they won't be experiencing (aka State Fair for Josh next year), I feel unbelievable guilt.  I feel incredibly selfish, too:  are we pursuing this journey at the expense of others?  Are we letting people (our kids, our community) down by leaving?

Encouragement.  It's been incredibly affirming to hear so many people say, "Wow - you guys are going to do amazing things in Africa" and "I wish I was going to do something like that!"  This is especially meaningful since I feel so much like Jonah or Gideon these days...yes, I feel called, but I feel completely unfit and unprepared for the job.  At times, I feel like running away or asking God for 10,000 more signs.

Sadness.  Except for my continuing streak of unfulfilling jobs, we've built a really nice life here full of blessings.  We love our school and church, Tim has a great job, we have wonderful friends, a nice home with a beautiful garden, time to pursue hobbies.  It's safe and comfortable and enjoyable.  So why leave this for the unknown?

Excitement.  I've been obsessively reading a blog by a current HOPAC teacher and looking at the HOPAC web site, reading information, looking at pictures.  It's all so new and different.  What an adventure!  We have no idea the people we'll meet, the new foods we'll eat, the witness we'll bear, the vacations we'll take, the sights we'll see.  To draw from our sermon today:  I am preparing to be amazed by what God will do!

Fear.  I'll admit that I'm a bit of a control freak, and this is journey is about as uncontrollable as you can get.  I'm a very visual person, and I don't even know what to visualize!  We have no home in Tanzania as of yet and no official partnership or means of support.  I firmly believe that it is all going to work out in amazing ways, but yes, I'll admit that it would be really nice to have a blueprint for the next 2 years all laid out and wrapped up with a nice bow.  But life - even in less radical circumstances - just doesn't work like that.  I've been reading a book called Discovering God's Will by Jerry Sitser.  One of my favorite parts reads:  "Control is a myth.  It presupposes that the world is rational, predictable and controllable.  But the world is none of these things."  In that sense, I am glad for the loss of control - because the less I try to control, the greater surrender I give to Christ and HIS blueprint.  And I'd much rather have Him in control.

Please continue to pray for our family as we process these swirling emotions.  Pray for those who are really upset at our leaving.  Pray that God will raise up "replacements" for our family and that no hole be left behind.  And finally, join me in praying for a new and beautiful community in Tanzania, for peace in our decision, and that God will do amazing things over the next 2 years.

The Backstory.

One of the biggest questions we have gotten over the past several days is:  "Why Africa?" and usually a follow-up question of "Why now?"

We don't have a concrete answer to this question except that we believe it to be the leading of the Spirit.  I firmly believe that it's only in this particular set of circumstances and timing that could allow this to happen for our family.  Although the process in making this decision was pretty quick - about a month between seeing the job posting and the official acceptance- preparations were being made in our hearts and minds for the past few years.

Tim, in particular, has had a heart for Africa, which led to his going as a chaperone for two trips to Uganda, in 2011 and just this spring break.  He has always tossed around the idea of living in Africa, but I have always been very reluctant saying things like, "I'd consider Africa but not until the kids are all over the age of 5."  Charlotte was turning 5 right after Tim's first trip to Uganda and so I was mentally bracing myself for the possibility that he would come home and want to move to Africa.  Much to my surprise (and relief!) he came back and said, "No, I don't think that's right for our family at this time."

This time he came back feeling much more open to the idea of a move to Africa.  At the same time, a fellow teacher visited his daughter in Kenya, and said to Tim, unprompted:  "If I had to do it all over, when my kids were your kids' ages, I would move to Africa."

On April 8, I quit my job without the possibility of another one to go to.  The story behind that decision is a very long one but basically it was an emotionally abusive situation that destroyed my self-esteem.  I decided to quit on faith, believing that being unemployed was better than continuing to suffer.  Weeks later, I found a Scripture that perfectly summarized my thinking:  "Better a little with the fear of the LORD than great wealth with turmoil."(Proverbs 15:16).

After I quit, Tim and I had a long conversation about what to do next, the essence of which was, "What we've been trying in the past has not been working.  We are going to open ourselves up to anything God leads us to, no matter how radical or crazy."

The day after our conversation, Tim saw an open posting at Haven of Peace Academy which was for exactly what he was teaching at Eastern Christian.   HOPAC is a member of Christian Schools International, and they post their open positions on the CSI job board.  Tim has seen these in the past and had been following them casually for years, so we knew about the school.  Despite my reservations in the past, this time I felt peace in encouraging him to apply for the position.

Throughout the process, we involved family and close friends.  Not one person expressed any hesitation or doubt.  The only door that closed throughout the entire time was that HOPAC was not receptive to the idea of deferring the job for a year.  So we felt that was a clear sign to go, and now. 

It's crazy to look back at this crooked road and see that it's led us to this exact place at this exact time that allows us to move to Africa!

Hello, World!!

So by now the news is generally out: We'll be moving to Tanzania in August for a 2 year assignment at Haven of Peace Academy in Dar es Salaam.  Tim will be teaching computers and yearbook - same as he does now!- but to a K-12 school of 300+ kids from 40+ countries.  It's an international Christian school for kids of missionaries, ex-pats and native Tanzanians.  Our kids will be students at the school, be taught by Dad, and get to go free - woohoo!  (they'll also be learning Swahili, though the official language at the school is thankfully English).  If you want to check it out, it's www.hopac.net 

We are in the final stages of securing a "partner missionary" partnership with Christian Reformed World Missions since while the school does provide a modest stipend, we'll need to raise some support.  (so stay tuned for future fundraisers, if you feel led to join us on this crazy journey).

I don't have a ton of details yet and I'm not sure exactly how this is all going to work out, but God does!  He's opened so many doors (and closed doors) to make this happen.  We do have peace with the decision and can't wait to see how it's going to turn out.

We decided to create this new blog for all our loved ones to "follow" us and support us on this road that will lead to Africa in just 3 months.  We also have a new gmail set up which is tanzaniasteens (with the at sign and gmail.com behind it).  Reportedly, we will have email and Skype while in Africa, which are amazing blessings.  I can't imagine missionaries of just 20 years ago and how isolated they must have felt!

I will try and update the blog at least a couple times a week to let everyone know how we are coming along.  Right now, because our official partnership with CRWM isn't finalized, our top need is prayer.

Please pray for all of us over the next 3 months...and then the next 2 years!   Specific prayer requests at this time include the following:

• That we would find a renter for our house.  If we'll be so bold, we'll pray that we know the family and that they will agree to keep some of our furniture with them for the next 2 years (such as my beloved piano)
• For calmness and efficiency.  It's easy to get overwhelmed when thinking of the 10,000 details that need to be accomplished.  But I (Steph) am not currently working and can devote most of every day to getting things lined up.  It WILL all come together.
• That our family would continue to communicate and process together.  Although the kids are all reportedly on board and excited, I'm sure they are and will be grieving a bit for things they won't be experiencing over the next 2 years - particularly because at the end of the school year, it's only natural for everyone to look forward....and that "forward" won't be including us.