Contentment.

Today I am really struggling with contentment here in Tanzania.  This morning, the power went off 2 minutes after the alarm did, meaning no hot showers, toast, or coffee to start our day.  (thankfully it did return about 5 hours later).  The morning was very rainy and drizzly - our first actual "drizzle" here in almost 7 weeks, but still a damper on my spirits and a crimp in my hope to have sun-dried laundry.

Today is the last day of the month which means we have to pay our workers.  We also feed one of the families which means I must buy large quantities of rice, oil and corn flour for them.  I also bought luku (electric) for the first time today.  So between all 3 of these projects, the money feels like it's absolutely flying out of here...and it doesn't get replenished until the middle of the month.

I am discouraged about the size and cost of our house.  I am discouraged about the size of our car.  I am discouraged at the cost of food and the fact that we can't seem to keep food in the house (both because it's difficult to obtain and because our boy in particular is a bottomless pit).  I am discouraged that I am not learning Swahili more quickly.  I am discouraged that we still need a lot of furniture in order to feel settled.

Most of all, I'm discouraged at my lack of contentment.  I definitely had my days of envy back in the States, but overall I felt at peace.  Here, I feel an absolute lack of everything, all the time.  I am jealous of others' larger houses and cars.  I am envious of those who have extra money.  I want the sense of purpose and accomplishment that others seem to have here. These feelings of discontent are even more discouraging because so many have so little here.  I do have a roof...and electric most of the time...and food...and a car.  My husband has a job, my kids are enrolled in a great school, and we have more blessings than we can count.

Today, I'm meditating on Paul's letter to the Philippians:  "...I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry.  I can do everything through him who gives me strength."  (Phil 4:12-13).

And I am praying for contentment in all circumstances:  with power, or without power; in a small house or a large one; when my kids are fighting or when they are getting along.  I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.