Waiting

The last time I posted about decision-making:  will we stay? will we go?  it was in late November

Although we made the decision in early January that we'll be moving back to the U.S., we intentionally haven't said anything publicly.  We wanted everything to fall into place so that we could trumpet to the world:  We're going back to New Jersey, at this time, to do this specific thing and execute this specific plan!  However, things are still not finalized and we're not sure when they will be.  Although returning to the U.S. does not feel nearly as exciting as heading to Africa, it is still a big leap of faith (and a lesson in patience).  We feel called to go back, although we're not sure how this will happen.

We've been in a very weird limbo for the past 3 months, keeping the news public but quiet, and we have really lapsed in our communication to the outside world because of it.  (Maybe because if we don't talk about it, it's not happening!)  However, the longer we go on, the harder it is to pretend that we're not facing another big life change.  More and more people know we're leaving and things are rolling on without us. We have people asking us if we're selling our stuff.  Just this morning, we had a family looking through our house and hoping to rent it.  I'm eyeing things with the intent to use them up before leaving.  Do I need to buy another jar of rosemary?

Yet we haven't yet fully committed to NJ living either.  Our kids aren't enrolled in school anywhere right now, neither of us has jobs, and we don't know exactly what date we'll be moving back into our house.  When we look to the future, there are many unanswered questions.

This we do know:  our contract with World Missions and HOPAC ends on June 30, and we have plane tickets home, arriving on July 22 at JFK airport.  Beyond that, we have wishes and hopes and dreams but not a lot of concrete anything.  For a recovering Type-A planning-loving perfectionist, this waiting is hard.

This we also know:  it is going to be really hard to leave.  We have made lots of friends and this place has felt like home in many ways.  Change is always harder than status quo.  Life is definitely more complicated, busier and more expensive in the U.S.

This we also know:  it would be really hard to stay long-term.  Neither one of us feels like support-raising is a particular strength and it's getting harder and harder each month.  Every time the kids are sick, my anxiety ratchets up.  Our car is not reliable and would require a major investment.  Looming ahead in just another 2 years are the Cambridge exams beginning for the kids.  Living here is difficult and day in, day out, it takes its toll.  I have so much respect for the people who grind it out here for years.

So, we wait.  And try to live each day in the moment, trusting that it's all going to work out.




(this was a photo that was going around Facebook recently...this particular one is from the blog Just a Girl Who Loves).