Shoulda/Coulda/Woulda

So many times these last few weeks, I've been thinking in my head about the perfect final blog post. This blog post would concisely yet thoroughly capture all the ups and downs of the last 2 years, would communicate how I have gleaned wisdom and meaning from these experiences, and, of course, it would wrap it all up with a neat bow.  It would read:  "I was sent here to Tanzania to do this;  I came, I saw, I conquered and I'm a better person because of this for these 3 reasons (of course 3 - the favorite number of sermon points).  Now I'm going back to the U.S. to change the world in these (3?) ways and this is my plan to do this."

This, my friends, is not that blog post.

The last few weeks have been a swirl of emotions and stress and I just haven't had any time to fully process any of it.  My goal has been just to keep my head above water and do what I need to do in that moment.  Today, our last day in Dar, will not be spent reflecting out upon our last views of the Indian Ocean.  It will be spent frantically packing, delivering furniture and printing out boarding passes and itineraries.

Although I haven't had a lot of focused reflection time, the messages that keep circling in my brain are not positive ones.  They are words of judgment:  You should have learned more Swahili!  You could have done a better job getting to know that person.  I wish you would have lived more "in the moment."  Did you truly appreciate the beauty and community you were in while you were in it?

Needless to say, these are not uplifting or helpful messages and serve only to rock my too-fragile emotional core.   These same judgmental refrains were also a part of my pre-Tanzania life (and most definitely will be a part of post-Tanzania life).  They are words of a frustrated perfectionist/over-achiever who's still trying to do.

I picture myself standing before my Savior one day with all these messages of shoulda/coulda/woulda on my lips...apologies, guilt, recrimination for the life I led.  I'm not able to look Him in the eye;  I didn't do for the least of these.  I was ashamed of the gospel.  I did fail so many times and in so many ways to be the person I was created to be.

But then He says;  "Well done, good and faithful servant."  And it's not because of anything I have done or ever could do:  It's because of what He did.  That is Grace!

So I'm trying to extend this same grace to myself, which is freely offered even in this life.  I do think with time and distance, I will get more perspective on the whole experience.  I do know that I'm not the same person I was.  I know that I've been changed in so many ways:  some that I won't even realize until I'm back in the old/new "daily grind," and some I may never consciously realize.

The Tanzanian journey will continue - just not in Tanzania any longer, and so I plan to write periodic updates to this story from the U.S. from time to time.  

Thanks for being with us the past 2 years.  We couldn't have done it without all of you.

Mungu akubariki!  (God bless you).