One Year

One year ago today, I quit my job as an insurance underwriter without a backup plan.  After months of struggle, Tim and I decided that life was too short for me to be that miserable and together we took the first of many leaps of faith.

While I don't regret that decision now, there have been many raw moments of heartache over the past year when I just cried out to God for a do-over, "Why didn't I just stay where I was?!  Yeah, it wasn't great, but it wasn't too bad.  And it paid well.  And I could use my brain and take care of my family simultaneously - who ever gets that chance?"  I felt a lot like the Israelites in the desert...they knew that being slaves in Egypt wasn't fun but at least they had grapes and pomegranates there (Numbers 20:5).   It's so easy for me to see that God wanted something infinitely better for His people Israel, but so difficult to see this same desire in my own life.

The honest truth is that I never, ever wanted to be a stay at home mom...and especially not one whose youngest child is 7 years old.  Although I quit my job without a next step, I truly believed that I would work again soon.  I had been talking to some companies within my industry and was also toying with the idea of starting a consulting business.  But every door was closed and once it became clear that our next step was to move to Africa, I was thankful for the time I had to coordinate this epic move.

Again, when I moved to Tanzania, I really believed that I would take a few months to get everybody settled but then I would return to work.  Then the realities of having a dependent visa and not knowing a word of Swahili became apparent.  I honestly don't know if I will work while I'm here and I need to make peace with that.  I can't worry about the glaring gap in my resume and whether or not I'll ever get a job again when we do return to the U.S. (let alone a career to which I feel called).

I have spent the past year doing more crying, trusting, despairing, growing, and doubting than I ever have before.  I've learned that my identity was unhealthily wrapped up in my job and in what I do rather than who I am.  I've realized that I have a lot of shame in not working.

However, I've also learned that even though I'm not earning money or "producing," I'm still doing necessary work and I am using the intelligence God has given me.  I have discerned a lot about myself and my personality, my strengths and weaknesses, and the core values I hold dear.  I've confronted the judgmental attitudes I've had towards women who don't work and repented of this failing.  I'm slowly realizing that this "idle" time is a gift and it is a blessing to be free from the entrapment of a soul-sucking life.  It's a blessing to spend time with my children and my husband and I'm thankful that we can afford to have one adult at home to handle the myriad of logistics to living and parenting in Africa.

I still really, really miss working.   I wish God would share the future (and an amazing, uplifting career) with me.  But in the meantime, I'm trying to take one day at a time, trust in God's perfect timing, listen for His voice, and learn everything I can in this continuing season of unemployment.